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Tuesday, 29 November 2011

update on Paradise...


iya...well been in paradise for just over a week now an its not bad...Tannoy Twat still gettin on me nerves but i tend to put me hedfones in an ignore it...Fat Frank got the job an is startin today so familiar face n familiar cock...early darts from werk for blowys just as it was in poundland...Fat Sue wiv the smart car has got an interview so god help us...got moved off feminin hi jean yesterday coz sum punter sed i smelt of ale...did me a favor tho coz got put on stock take so ate me body wate in haribo an watched telly wiv free wi fy... today i'm bein trained to do redukshons so happy days...i'll be markin down all me crizzy presents... oh before i go... pissed me pants yesterday there was sum big nob from hed office bord of direktors come in to meet us all coz we are the flagship store watever that means...aint no flag in our shop or a ship... e woz ded posh...says to me all lardy dar lookin at me name badge on me tit... 'erm so Beverly Macca wat kwalities n kwalifikayshons do you bring to Pound Paradise' i said 'Me CUNT n me TWAT...' he nearly had a brown hemmorige on the spot...then he realised wat they were av a look below... laterz...
 

Friday, 25 November 2011

Papped not hacked...

i'm startin to feel how them selebritees feel now... i havent been hacked...but worse still i bin papped... got home from werk last nite and checkd me bankin an me giro was in... so i thort i'll go an do a bit of shoppin... there i am lookin at the offers bord an i can hear clickin...turns round an theres sum ald perv takin piktures of me... i went to the manager after me shop an the sekurity man confiscated his memory card... av a look at these... an before you ask i aint a size girl... i was comparin the girth of the cucumbers for me bewty rayjeem... catch yerz later...


Thursday, 24 November 2011

At homo with Promo...

As Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warns once sang.... up where I belong.... and I am back there... promoshons... i'm not cut out for tills n stock takin... how posh are Pound Paradise... I even get me own likkle stall.... eyel 6 if yer passin.... I can text away to me harts consent an Tweet an Facebook... even Tannoy Twunt can't see me from here.... im in me ellyment... talkin of Tannoy Twunt all the punters woz pissin themselves before.... listen to her latest... I'll catch yerz later....gotta push me Far La an me Klunge!...


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

love lost...

why oh why...i bild up me hopes every time... i cud see meself as the area managers wife... Mrs Beverly Miel... all that came falling down around me today... the gorgus secksy Ron Miel is offishally a slave to the cock...gutted... he went to the office to make a personal call an he mustve sat on the tannoy so the hole shop got to hear...ive just opened a 5 liter box an playin me fave seline deeyon song.... all by meself.... laters... here it is - 

Monday, 21 November 2011

Scan or scam...

Kwik update... I'm a bit of a mare at times but i'm no liar... but i did tell you all a wee porkie pie about me compensayshon after gettin hit by Fat Sue in her smart car a while back. I did get kwite a bit of dosh an i cudve spent it on labrini erotic holidays to benidorm an fast cars... but i had one kwest in life... to find out who me real mum was... although she will never aknolidge me Vanessa Feltz is the top suspect... i spent me money on a private investigater who has today produced this... take a good look at the picture and then look at the name top left... gotta get back to work... friggin tannoy goin again... laters...

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Aloha Paradise...

Well well well...its all kicked off...no longer a poundland employee i'm now lost in paradise...pound paradise an so far so good apart from the friggin tannoy...the were kewin out the door wen I got there the other day...a local selebritee opened the shop... Jamie Jones who was in the kew for this years X Factor cut the ribbon... i was ordered to give everyone a punch an a lay as they arrived...had me nickers at me ankles kwicker than wink till I woz told it was a flowery necklayce... i managed to lay about 500 peeple... a record for me...
i fell in love agen... an now i'm confused...so mite he be... Ron Miel the hunky spanish area manager or as he says it manayar...i just love the acksent...he did an annownsment to thank us all at the end of the day i had to tape it to play to meself wen im avin intimasies wiv meself...ave a listen - 

isnt he garjus...but met up wiv him last nite an he ended up givin me a lift home in his daywoo...woke up this mornin wiv me Leggins intactus an he was back at his digs all tucked up... left me a note on the dash sayin to stay as long as i want an he'll see me in work on Monday!...cud be playin hard to get or a slave to the cock!... I had to cut the wires to the tannoy coz that Barbara Naylor Radford ex Marks n Spencer is on customer servis desk an keeps houndin me wiv her announcements listen - 

she is soooo in for a kick in the clout if sheez not careful... right.. off to have me home made communyon... thick sliced white an a bottle of lambrini... it is the weekend still... I'll leave you with the pic of me in the staff room fillin up the Punch... I was a little Twunted at that point...laters...


Thursday, 17 November 2011

Dame Edna to Dame Beverly...


anuther wirl wind of a week... all the ecksitement of me new job witch i start tomrw at Pound Paradise been tryin to slim into me uniform with zoomba n diet... bin told there is a selebritee comin to open the store but we dont know who it is yet... hopin for Rusty Lee... talkin of selebritees found these slippers in me overnite bag i woz out at a well nown frends place to see her huzband... keep it to yerself i carnt say who she is but rimes with Pisha Tenrose!...I'll post them back...

video
well on anuther note... i woz menshoned by the lovely dame edna today on This Morning... I shud get a regular spot there I'm on often enuff... wat I wudn't give to sit next to Phillip everyday... I'm sure he wudn't resist the smell of my Far La!... I'll keep yerz posted about tmrow with pics... laterz...

Monday, 14 November 2011

Ga Ga copy La!...

well sweet baby yazu... who wud have thort it... proof at last that Beverly Macca is a leader in fashion... me fone hasn't stopped ringin for a couple of weeks from Ga Ga's peeple wantin to borrow me halloween cozzy... i wudn't giv in... then lone behowld wat duz she wear last nite... but a copy of my kreayshon... 'Headless not Legless'... me facebook twitter an fone went mad from all me frends recognizin the kreayshon... I'm on the fone to Cliff Maxford as I type... i reckon we'll have all the major labels on the fone any minute now...


talkin of fashon too... here' s me new uniform for Pound Paradise... think the labels are a bit to cock... its neat but i'll slim into it... like Fat Sue with the smart car... start later in the week. Gonna miss Poundland but onwards an upwards as they say... laterz... Cliff Maxford on me fone...

Friday, 11 November 2011

Poundwasteland to Pound Paradise...

sweet baby yazu... whood have thort it... wat a week i've had... all started ok then i woz contaktid by a mr Ron Miel as you now who is area manager for Pound Paradise the new store opening in town... well I went for an interview today... omg... Ron Miel is gorjus...heez forrin too... think spanish... me fanny was bitin me leg off... he looks yer in the eye too... well i got the job... i did put it to me facebook mates who all said go for it... it's better money and better staff dizzys too.... i feel like this is the start of sumthink new...

here is me name badge... it looks ded egzotic... i really feel i've dun the rite thing... what do you guys think? new shop will open soon... they want me to do some promoshon work too... 

here's me new uniform... love it... it's gonna be a buggar to keep kleen tho... just hope me supervizor is open to the odd blow job or flick to get off early... that is one of the most important terms for me... laterz... havin a kwiet nite in tonite with a 5 liter box to selibrate... xx

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Please join The Bevlar!...

Thank you all so much for your following and contributing to the 23000+ hits on this blog/diary. Can I ask you all a big favour... can you please join this blog if you are a regular reader. It will help us get some info together...I'll keep updating you with my boring and uneventful life! xx

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Land to Paradise?...

well well well....herez were i need yer advise... ive bin here at poundland for a good few years now... ive ad me ups n downs ins n outs... but i got this in the post today... its a new store same sort of set up as here but just looks fresh n new... i thort id ask youz lot ferst to get the opinyon before i email Ron Miel back... sounds secksy that name...they did try an scramble me a while ago but i cudnt be arsed at the time... i spoke to Ron Miel tonite and he sounds ded secksy... heez forrin... sounds like the wayter in spayne this year... so do i go to paradise or stay in the land... both Pound....
 There are a couple of things i'd miss like fat frank an the early finish blowys... tormentin fat sue with the smart car hidin her pastie at lunch time... and squeekin the dog toys wen lynne wiv the limp walks past so she thinks its her false legs... oh i don't know wat to do... I'm out on a skool nite tryin to deside.. i'm wiv Re Suss Russ one of me gays whooz a nurse... any advise gratefully reseeved...laters...

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Bradford balls up...


well... yesterday started off ok an got a call from Mike Hunt at hed offise askin if i cud go to our store in Bradford to introduce me Far La and show them how to promote it coz of the record interest in my Far La... it should hav bin today n tmrw stayin in a ded posh hotel called the Travel Lodge... i had planned to take all the shampoos n shower gels an me free shower cap.. i woz so ecksited.... got up early packed me little wheelie bag an got the taxi over.



one thing that stuck in me mind waz Mike Hunt sayin to dress appropriately... so i did sum readin up on Bradford coz i thort it waz abrord somewhere... i found out there is a large asian community so i nipped to Bhaldev Bazaar an had a chat to him.. he woz ded helpful an told me about the kulture... he even lent me mrs Bs dress... got there ok an nipped in the back way to use the loo... got me bits together and came onto the shop floor.... well thay all burst out laffin!... i felt such a fool... i woz only tryin to be respektful... got taxi back... rang Mike an he said when he said dress appropriate he ment not one of me tight tops... wat a dipstik i am... here I am in the full kit... sad i didnt get to see the ded posh Travel Lodge Hotel... maybe one day... laterz...


 

Sunday, 6 November 2011

from Dawn to Dawn...

well bommy night waz fab... great show n nite out... apart from gettin twatted by a roman candle that fell over... i'm gonna try for compo... yer never now... had me usual Sunday home communyon witch got me whistle wet... that was gone in no time.. ended up nippin to Bargain Booze... spent me last £10 on a bottle of crem de menth an dropped that fucker on the way home... well i think the sweet baby yazu waz on me side coz i came back via up there arses avenue an heard muzik n saw a side gate opened... i went in... before i now it i'm bein hugged n kissed by all these strangers... all kept sayin 'we are so sorry for your loss' i thought they must have seen me drop me bottle coz that was the only loss i had had... then they start callin me Dawn... happy days coz they ended up feedin me food n drink for hours... didn't last long... fuckin Dawn turned up... turns out she had lost her husband after just movin the area... i ended up in the friggin ice cold pond tryin to avoid goin thru the big white tent were the party was... tryin to keep me Timmy Shoos dry an the stash of vol o vonts n booze i'd nicked..... saw Dawn, she was very pretty, slim and classy lookin so i can see how they made the mistake... here's the pond i was in... i waz gonna nick a fish to do in batter wen I got home... laterz...



Saturday, 5 November 2011

Happy Bonfire night...


well its that time of year again... bangers rockets n sparklers... i'm off to a bonfire party n in the mood already...3 liters into a box of me finest... and i've just made meself a bonfire cocktail out of Rusty Lee's cocktail book 1988... cant garantee makin it home tonite... but i'll keep yerz all updated as per... play safe guys n gals... laterz.
 Cheers all! xx

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Smear to eternity...

in the words of frankie n his four seasons 'oh wat a night...day aktually'... i was up at the crack n up me crack at 6am... i waz determined to av me nancy smellin fresh for Dr Parfinder eez quite fit an new... i dooshed up there the lot... finished off me crem fresh too... i mean fem fresh... gets to the surgery at 8.30 sharp... then I get called in... it waz like Si eed from Eastenders lookin back at me... said i looked very well and as well as me smeer waz due an internal inspekshon...I cud feel me fanny clamp shut... just kept sayin i carnt beleeve how well you look... so off i go to drop me leggins wile he warms his hands on the hand dryer... over he comes... he waz very gentle as he did a Cilla and stepped inside love... then he stops an aks if i waz aware there waz an IUD still inserted an did i now it cudve bin removed after me men o porze... i said shit off i'm still blobbin if yer dont mind... pulled up me tites n me leggins an went to leave.... then he says Mrs Hacker I need to talk to you... I said me names Macca - turns out old iron lung lill next door Mrs Emily Hacker was due for it... i had opened her letter by mistake an wiv me glue ear hadn't heard them shoutin for Emily Hacker... she's fuckin 80 odd... no wonder he thort i looked well an shocked to find me coil..... I've just opened a 5 liter box to get over the shock...laterz...

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Kirsty = Kostly...


well for a change its not all about me... telly tonite was shite... now don't get me rong I kwite like kersty allysop but that show is shite... as if we could afford to do wat she duz for prezents... here's how it goes -
Welcome to Kirstys home made overpriced shit...this week cushion covers...nip to Le Costa Fortune Material shop on Chizick hi street... get 4 mtrs of overpriced cloth... make sum patches, cross stitch for 8 months an Vwalla.... patchwork cushions...
Kirsty spends £435 for two cushions...

Bev... nip to Matalan... pack of 4 cushions £4.35 drive thru McDonald's on way home. Vwalla...
then next up is Too Grand designs...yerv got £2.3 million in the bank... family young kids n 7 dogs... lets build a house with a rooftop open air shitter wiv solar panals... n orijinal beems... spend 12 years doin it... run out of money... cause unknown stress to me family n pets... grow me hair n not shave...it's 15 years now since they started building... his wife has left him and now lives in a detatched bovis home in Nantwich... he is broke and what was their house is now a Littlewoods catalogue depot.... was it worth it.... You decide...
 

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Headless not Legless...

what a fab halloween... we had to go into werk in costume so i dug out an old one from years ago. it was a bugger tryin to drive with no head...they all shit a brick in the shop and not one fucker came to my till all day kids screamin the lot... it woz ace... went to the pub after work an had a ball... Alice had made a big bowl of halloween punch... jesus it woz strong! nite didnt end that well coz popped into the chippy on the way home coz waz Twunted an sum skank said i had a face like I'd been bobbin for apples in a deep fat fryer... big mistake i tried to choke the bitch with Donner meat...that'll lern her...laterz...