Merry Christmas everywon...

as the song by saint shakin of the stevens goes...'merry cristmas everywon'...snow ain't fallin tho...hope yerv all had a grate crimbo...soz i havent been doin me diaree for a wile but bin ded bizzy in paradise...Pound Paradise that is...the run up to crimbo was mental like...Haribo Harold the perv was brort in to be santa but he got one wiff of the Gummy Bears and had a lazy lob on before you could say Tangtastic...they only asked me to stand in wen thay sacked him...i got moved off after a few hours coz the parents said i stank of ale...i had a box of Lick Yours an was Twunted...

 well befor i new it it was cristmas eve...so i did me cristmas Trayble reddy for me Pot Noeldle...saved me lowds of time...no dishes either i saved the pot as a wine glass...i cud write top tips for have a rest magazine cudn't i... i'd definitly get one agen for next cristmas day...

 i didn't get many presents but the guyz from me shop clubbed together an got me a cassette of me favrit singer an selebritee...i luv her so much...av a look down below...i did get very Twunted yesterday an woke up wiv an emptee box of roses in me bed...don't remember eatin them...looked like i'd shit the bed...just catchin up on all the cristmas tv i sky plussed its easier to watch wiv 2 eyes wen yer sober...i'm havin a snowball made wiv Aldi own brand avocardo...reminds me of cristmasses wen i woz yung an me dad wud leave me wiv the bottle wile he went out in his muther cristmas outfit down the pub... rite...i'm off have a grate crimbo...i'll leave yerz wiv a pic of me present an i'll sign off wiv me cristmas powem for yerz all...laterz...

Bevs Cristmas powem

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
was the lovely smell of a pan of blind scouse.
Me glass of Lambrini on the fireplace over there,
no work for a week not even a care.

I hope not to get Twunted before Santa comes,
so I can cherish him ticklin me chin wiv his plums.
Then before he leaves an I'm still on me back,
a festive fayshall as he empties his sack!

Before you know it it's Christmas day, time for more parties, fun and play.
Opening presents and chocolate galore,
in a matter of hours I'll be flat on the floor.
Twunted, Munted call it what you like,
Merry Christmas to you all from this village bike!

  

a wee crem de menth...

well i've bin puttin it off for ages...me check up...i hate hozzies coz as me dad says once thay get you in for one thing then yer never away...snotty nurse told me to go an pee in this bottle...ded hard for the larger bride like meself...managed a drip or 2...nearly died wen i sor the culor of it...it was 99% crem de menth i rekon...we'd ad a sesh over the weekend an god did it show...handed it to sister vile an she just shook her hed...like sheez never drank a liter of crem de menth in a nite...then i went in to see dr who is ded dishy...cudnt find me tites but when i took me leggins off they were all skrunched up in a ball by me arse...


Then came the bit i woz lookin forward to...dont get me rong i hate needles but waz told i cud have a cup of tea an sum biskits...wrong...i woz ded brave even tho she took about 20 pints wen i asked for me tea n biskits she said you have to give blood for that...i pointed at her bucket of my blood an said what do you call that!!! i nipped to Sheelas Meals cafe on way home for a full inglish insted...i took rest of the day off an all me mates were tellin me to put me cankles up an so i did...

lots of peeple messiged me askin were me cankle chain was from...its part of a possible new range of mine called 'Maccanique' more of that later...ded bizzy at Pound Paradise...me Far La is goin thru the roof...me Klunge isn't so popular...weekend is nearly here...laterz...

CoCo to LoCo...

well me promoshons werk is goin ded well...not only am i the face of Far La and Klunge...due to me experteez in pushin stuff i've bin asked to be the face of our new loyaltee card CoCocard...every £ yer spend wiv us yer earn a pineapple point!...first day today and tannoy Twunt is doin me hed in...every five minutes she's ding dongin in me friggin ear...i've put me headphones in listenin to Black Lace greatest hits...


Bizzy week this week...fat Sue wiv the Smart Car started here...we just need Lynne wiv the limp and it'll be the whole team...Fat Sue is a bit sheepish coz i'm seeniur to her...i was ded maid up as well coz i got me winter fuel allowance...that'll help towards crimbo...well...sheez gone next door so did a likkle re direct...gave sum to charitee, bort a new skirt at the Red Cross...


Funny thing happened the uther day...i fownd a ticket to the local skool nativity...saw they waz servin Mullered wine...popped in sayin i waz god muther to one of the kids...well that was it...ended up in the vestgible wiv the caretaker an got waysted on the Mullered wine...but hot wine...whats that all about...woke up the next day in the friggin maynger...so not so much 'Away in a Maynger' more 'A Lay in a Maynger'...laterz...Tannoy Twunt is off again...

DVT to DVD...

OMG...can't beleev wat has been goin on...had me werk out n induckshon day last week which as you know waznt for me...but it seems i woz an inspirayshon to some women...so i was asked if thay cud put me workout on DVD...i said yes...then today i'm out doin sum Xmas shopliftin and nips into hmv...lookin for life of grime box set then next minute i look up an me friggin gob is lookin back at me...i'm gobsmacked...still ain't goin back to Jim it waz tortchure...but don't forget to buy it for a fat frend or relativ...laterz...

Gym I'd rather Jim...

now sum of yerz mite av herd abowt me little incident wiv a motorchair...don't beleev all yer hear coz it aint true...i 'BORROWED' it like i have for the last year an she never new any diffrence...she always takes a Nana Nap at 2-4 but she was avin a dump in her outside shitter yesterday an heard me takin it out the yard round the back...well considerin she needs a bleedin motor chair she was like shit off a shuvel out that front door. i needed it more than ever yesterday coz i had me Jim induckshon day...what a crock of shite that waz... its not for me...av a watch of this - 

i did a scratchy card the other day an won an induckshon day at a new Jim that's opened...well i went yesterday...never agen...she was like a gastapo woman...screamin at me...i was parched lucky i took me lambrini to keep hi drayted...i collapsed at the end...she said same time next week Beverly...you can gess wat me anser was... 'SHIT OFF'...av a look at these pics and the video...laterz...

 here is the video of me tortchure -  

update on Paradise...

iya...well been in paradise for just over a week now an its not bad...Tannoy Twat still gettin on me nerves but i tend to put me hedfones in an ignore it...Fat Frank got the job an is startin today so familiar face n familiar cock...early darts from werk for blowys just as it was in poundland...Fat Sue wiv the smart car has got an interview so god help us...got moved off feminin hi jean yesterday coz sum punter sed i smelt of ale...did me a favor tho coz got put on stock take so ate me body wate in haribo an watched telly wiv free wi fy... today i'm bein trained to do redukshons so happy days...i'll be markin down all me crizzy presents... oh before i go... pissed me pants yesterday there was sum big nob from hed office bord of direktors come in to meet us all coz we are the flagship store watever that means...aint no flag in our shop or a ship... e woz ded posh...says to me all lardy dar lookin at me name badge on me tit... 'erm so Beverly Macca wat kwalities n kwalifikayshons do you bring to Pound Paradise' i said 'Me CUNT n me TWAT...' he nearly had a brown hemmorige on the spot...then he realised wat they were av a look below... laterz...

 

Papped not hacked...

i'm startin to feel how them selebritees feel now... i havent been hacked...but worse still i bin papped... got home from werk last nite and checkd me bankin an me giro was in... so i thort i'll go an do a bit of shoppin... there i am lookin at the offers bord an i can hear clickin...turns round an theres sum ald perv takin piktures of me... i went to the manager after me shop an the sekurity man confiscated his memory card... av a look at these... an before you ask i aint a size girl... i was comparin the girth of the cucumbers for me bewty rayjeem... catch yerz later...

At homo with Promo...

As Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warns once sang.... up where I belong.... and I am back there... promoshons... i'm not cut out for tills n stock takin... how posh are Pound Paradise... I even get me own likkle stall.... eyel 6 if yer passin.... I can text away to me harts consent an Tweet an Facebook... even Tannoy Twunt can't see me from here.... im in me ellyment... talkin of Tannoy Twunt all the punters woz pissin themselves before.... listen to her latest... I'll catch yerz later....gotta push me Far La an me Klunge!...

http://audioboo.fm/boos/559395-promotion-tannoy

love lost...

why oh why...i bild up me hopes every time... i cud see meself as the area managers wife... Mrs Beverly Miel... all that came falling down around me today... the gorgus secksy Ron Miel is offishally a slave to the cock...gutted... he went to the office to make a personal call an he mustve sat on the tannoy so the hole shop got to hear...ive just opened a 5 liter box an playin me fave seline deeyon song.... all by meself.... laters... here it is - 

http://audioboo.fm/boos/556914-ron-miel-2

Scan or scam...

Kwik update... I'm a bit of a mare at times but i'm no liar... but i did tell you all a wee porkie pie about me compensayshon after gettin hit by Fat Sue in her smart car a while back. I did get kwite a bit of dosh an i cudve spent it on labrini erotic holidays to benidorm an fast cars... but i had one kwest in life... to find out who me real mum was... although she will never aknolidge me Vanessa Feltz is the top suspect... i spent me money on a private investigater who has today produced this... take a good look at the picture and then look at the name top left... gotta get back to work... friggin tannoy goin again... laters...

• http://audioboo.fm/boos/551154-pound-paradise-tannoy

Aloha Paradise...

Well well well...its all kicked off...no longer a poundland employee i'm now lost in paradise...pound paradise an so far so good apart from the friggin tannoy...the were kewin out the door wen I got there the other day...a local selebritee opened the shop... Jamie Jones who was in the kew for this years X Factor cut the ribbon... i was ordered to give everyone a punch an a lay as they arrived...had me nickers at me ankles kwicker than wink till I woz told it was a flowery necklayce... i managed to lay about 500 peeple... a record for me...

i fell in love agen... an now i'm confused...so mite he be... Ron Miel the hunky spanish area manager or as he says it manayar...i just love the acksent...he did an annownsment to thank us all at the end of the day i had to tape it to play to meself wen im avin intimasies wiv meself...ave a listen - 

http://audioboo.fm/boos/551794-ron-miel-1

isnt he garjus...but met up wiv him last nite an he ended up givin me a lift home in his daywoo...woke up this mornin wiv me Leggins intactus an he was back at his digs all tucked up... left me a note on the dash sayin to stay as long as i want an he'll see me in work on Monday!...cud be playin hard to get or a slave to the cock!... I had to cut the wires to the tannoy coz that Barbara Naylor Radford ex Marks n Spencer is on customer servis desk an keeps houndin me wiv her announcements listen - 

http://audioboo.fm/boos/551154-pound-paradise-tannoy?playlist_direction=reversed 

she is soooo in for a kick in the clout if sheez not careful... right.. off to have me home made communyon... thick sliced white an a bottle of lambrini... it is the weekend still... I'll leave you with the pic of me in the staff room fillin up the Punch... I was a little Twunted at that point...laters...

Dame Edna to Dame Beverly...

anuther wirl wind of a week... all the ecksitement of me new job witch i start tomrw at Pound Paradise been tryin to slim into me uniform with zoomba n diet... bin told there is a selebritee comin to open the store but we dont know who it is yet... hopin for Rusty Lee... talkin of selebritees found these slippers in me overnite bag i woz out at a well nown frends place to see her huzband... keep it to yerself i carnt say who she is but rimes with Pisha Tenrose!...I'll post them back...

well on anuther note... i woz menshoned by the lovely dame edna today on This Morning... I shud get a regular spot there I'm on often enuff... wat I wudn't give to sit next to Phillip everyday... I'm sure he wudn't resist the smell of my Far La!... I'll keep yerz posted about tmrow with pics... laterz...

Ga Ga copy La!...

well sweet baby yazu... who wud have thort it... proof at last that Beverly Macca is a leader in fashion... me fone hasn't stopped ringin for a couple of weeks from Ga Ga's peeple wantin to borrow me halloween cozzy... i wudn't giv in... then lone behowld wat duz she wear last nite... but a copy of my kreayshon... 'Headless not Legless'... me facebook twitter an fone went mad from all me frends recognizin the kreayshon... I'm on the fone to Cliff Maxford as I type... i reckon we'll have all the major labels on the fone any minute now...

talkin of fashon too... here' s me new uniform for Pound Paradise... think the labels are a bit to cock... its neat but i'll slim into it... like Fat Sue with the smart car... start later in the week. Gonna miss Poundland but onwards an upwards as they say... laterz... Cliff Maxford on me fone...

Poundwasteland to Pound Paradise...

sweet baby yazu... whood have thort it... wat a week i've had... all started ok then i woz contaktid by a mr Ron Miel as you now who is area manager for Pound Paradise the new store opening in town... well I went for an interview today... omg... Ron Miel is gorjus...heez forrin too... think spanish... me fanny was bitin me leg off... he looks yer in the eye too... well i got the job... i did put it to me facebook mates who all said go for it... it's better money and better staff dizzys too.... i feel like this is the start of sumthink new...

here is me name badge... it looks ded egzotic... i really feel i've dun the rite thing... what do you guys think? new shop will open soon... they want me to do some promoshon work too... 

here's me new uniform... love it... it's gonna be a buggar to keep kleen tho... just hope me supervizor is open to the odd blow job or flick to get off early... that is one of the most important terms for me... laterz... havin a kwiet nite in tonite with a 5 liter box to selibrate... xx

Please join The Bevlar!...

Thank you all so much for your following and contributing to the 23000+ hits on this blog/diary. Can I ask you all a big favour... can you please join this blog if you are a regular reader. It will help us get some info together...I'll keep updating you with my boring and uneventful life! xx

Land to Paradise?...

well well well....herez were i need yer advise... ive bin here at poundland for a good few years now... ive ad me ups n downs ins n outs... but i got this in the post today... its a new store same sort of set up as here but just looks fresh n new... i thort id ask youz lot ferst to get the opinyon before i email Ron Miel back... sounds secksy that name...they did try an scramble me a while ago but i cudnt be arsed at the time... i spoke to Ron Miel tonite and he sounds ded secksy... heez forrin... sounds like the wayter in spayne this year... so do i go to paradise or stay in the land... both Pound....

 There are a couple of things i'd miss like fat frank an the early finish blowys... tormentin fat sue with the smart car hidin her pastie at lunch time... and squeekin the dog toys wen lynne wiv the limp walks past so she thinks its her false legs... oh i don't know wat to do... I'm out on a skool nite tryin to deside.. i'm wiv Re Suss Russ one of me gays whooz a nurse... any advise gratefully reseeved...laters...

Bradford balls up...

well... yesterday started off ok an got a call from Mike Hunt at hed offise askin if i cud go to our store in Bradford to introduce me Far La and show them how to promote it coz of the record interest in my Far La... it should hav bin today n tmrw stayin in a ded posh hotel called the Travel Lodge... i had planned to take all the shampoos n shower gels an me free shower cap.. i woz so ecksited.... got up early packed me little wheelie bag an got the taxi over.

one thing that stuck in me mind waz Mike Hunt sayin to dress appropriately... so i did sum readin up on Bradford coz i thort it waz abrord somewhere... i found out there is a large asian community so i nipped to Bhaldev Bazaar an had a chat to him.. he woz ded helpful an told me about the kulture... he even lent me mrs Bs dress... got there ok an nipped in the back way to use the loo... got me bits together and came onto the shop floor.... well thay all burst out laffin!... i felt such a fool... i woz only tryin to be respektful... got taxi back... rang Mike an he said when he said dress appropriate he ment not one of me tight tops... wat a dipstik i am... here I am in the full kit... sad i didnt get to see the ded posh Travel Lodge Hotel... maybe one day... laterz...

 

from Dawn to Dawn...

well bommy night waz fab... great show n nite out... apart from gettin twatted by a roman candle that fell over... i'm gonna try for compo... yer never now... had me usual Sunday home communyon witch got me whistle wet... that was gone in no time.. ended up nippin to Bargain Booze... spent me last £10 on a bottle of crem de menth an dropped that fucker on the way home... well i think the sweet baby yazu waz on me side coz i came back via up there arses avenue an heard muzik n saw a side gate opened... i went in... before i now it i'm bein hugged n kissed by all these strangers... all kept sayin 'we are so sorry for your loss' i thought they must have seen me drop me bottle coz that was the only loss i had had... then they start callin me Dawn... happy days coz they ended up feedin me food n drink for hours... didn't last long... fuckin Dawn turned up... turns out she had lost her husband after just movin the area... i ended up in the friggin ice cold pond tryin to avoid goin thru the big white tent were the party was... tryin to keep me Timmy Shoos dry an the stash of vol o vonts n booze i'd nicked..... saw Dawn, she was very pretty, slim and classy lookin so i can see how they made the mistake... here's the pond i was in... i waz gonna nick a fish to do in batter wen I got home... laterz...

Happy Bonfire night...

well its that time of year again... bangers rockets n sparklers... i'm off to a bonfire party n in the mood already...3 liters into a box of me finest... and i've just made meself a bonfire cocktail out of Rusty Lee's cocktail book 1988... cant garantee makin it home tonite... but i'll keep yerz all updated as per... play safe guys n gals... laterz.

 Cheers all! xx

Smear to eternity...

in the words of frankie n his four seasons 'oh wat a night...day aktually'... i was up at the crack n up me crack at 6am... i waz determined to av me nancy smellin fresh for Dr Parfinder eez quite fit an new... i dooshed up there the lot... finished off me crem fresh too... i mean fem fresh... gets to the surgery at 8.30 sharp... then I get called in... it waz like Si eed from Eastenders lookin back at me... said i looked very well and as well as me smeer waz due an internal inspekshon...I cud feel me fanny clamp shut... just kept sayin i carnt beleeve how well you look... so off i go to drop me leggins wile he warms his hands on the hand dryer... over he comes... he waz very gentle as he did a Cilla and stepped inside love... then he stops an aks if i waz aware there waz an IUD still inserted an did i now it cudve bin removed after me men o porze... i said shit off i'm still blobbin if yer dont mind... pulled up me tites n me leggins an went to leave.... then he says Mrs Hacker I need to talk to you... I said me names Macca - turns out old iron lung lill next door Mrs Emily Hacker was due for it... i had opened her letter by mistake an wiv me glue ear hadn't heard them shoutin for Emily Hacker... she's fuckin 80 odd... no wonder he thort i looked well an shocked to find me coil..... I've just opened a 5 liter box to get over the shock...laterz...

Kirsty = Kostly...

well for a change its not all about me... telly tonite was shite... now don't get me rong I kwite like kersty allysop but that show is shite... as if we could afford to do wat she duz for prezents... here's how it goes -

Welcome to Kirstys home made overpriced shit...this week cushion covers...nip to Le Costa Fortune Material shop on Chizick hi street... get 4 mtrs of overpriced cloth... make sum patches, cross stitch for 8 months an Vwalla.... patchwork cushions...
Kirsty spends £435 for two cushions...

Bev... nip to Matalan... pack of 4 cushions £4.35 drive thru McDonald's on way home. Vwalla...

then next up is Too Grand designs...yerv got £2.3 million in the bank... family young kids n 7 dogs... lets build a house with a rooftop open air shitter wiv solar panals... n orijinal beems... spend 12 years doin it... run out of money... cause unknown stress to me family n pets... grow me hair n not shave...it's 15 years now since they started building... his wife has left him and now lives in a detatched bovis home in Nantwich... he is broke and what was their house is now a Littlewoods catalogue depot.... was it worth it.... You decide...

 

Headless not Legless...

what a fab halloween... we had to go into werk in costume so i dug out an old one from years ago. it was a bugger tryin to drive with no head...they all shit a brick in the shop and not one fucker came to my till all day kids screamin the lot... it woz ace... went to the pub after work an had a ball... Alice had made a big bowl of halloween punch... jesus it woz strong! nite didnt end that well coz popped into the chippy on the way home coz waz Twunted an sum skank said i had a face like I'd been bobbin for apples in a deep fat fryer... big mistake i tried to choke the bitch with Donner meat...that'll lern her...laterz...

Jim didnt fix it...

well very sad news yesterday about Sir Jimmy Saville...he was a very kind man who raised millions for charity. so RIP Sir Jimmy... on the flip side it brought back painful memories of rejection for me as i wrote to him years ago askin to be a prinsess for the day at Bukingham palis...i kept a copy of the letter and dug it out yesterday... the pain is still there an i think was the korz of sum of me issues with confidense today...but i will get over it one day...

crackin night as per last nite...we tried the new indian restrornt Balti Bobbys...lovely food an got a 20% dizzy with me coopon... then it was karreeokee... My Lena martell blew them away... one song at a time...just havin me home communyon... thick sliced white loaf n a bottle of lambrini... got to be a Goblin tmrw at werk...cant be doin with all that dressin up shite... laterz...

Rugby scrum...

another weekend another sleepless nite... started celebratin early yesterday afternoon... ended up at the local rugby club as got taken there by some bloke who was in Bargain Booze... i woz out of it... woke up this mornin in the communyal bath soakin wet an a bunch of rugby players flashin there nobs n knockin one out at me and on me tites... i waz ragin they were takin pictures of me tryin to get out an didnt offer to help me... Twunts! there was banners up saying RIP Stevie... turns out it waz a wake for a poor rugby player... his family were lovely and said I was the dorter they never had...thats about all i remember... just washin all the muck off me tites.. twice i've washed them in a month...laterz...

skrubba day blues...

  

sweet baby yazu... I've bin like Anthea Turner perfect housewoman today... only I've not had time for a bar of flake like she did at her weddin... I've bleached me tee towels... washed me bog floor... had a sweep thru... and done a wash... it's a lovely dryin day here... but nosey naybourhood watch was snoopin... i'm sure he gets off lookin at me hoze-er-ree... now wat to do next... ah stuff it... it's cocktayl hour somewhere in the werld... little glass of chilled... it is friday...